In Season Four of the Netflix hit series, Please Like Me, Josh Thomas, the headliner of the show, expresses a sentiment that resonates deeply with those who relentlessly invest their time and energy into nurturing relationships. He declares, “I can’t help but think of all the hours I’ve spent trying to salvage this connection—I could have mastered the art of the clarinet.” Fans of this Australian comedy might even suspect that Thomas transcends the realm of a mere people-pleaser to a different level—an echoist.
A psychological term generating buzz across mental health platforms, echoists are individuals who mirror the thoughts and words of others, seeking external validation 24x7. While it’s only natural to seek praise and appreciation from those around, echoists take this pursuit to unparallelled extremes. Ask yourself:
Do you usually prioritise other people’s needs over your own? Do you often avoid saying anything that contradicts your partner? Do you resent their behaviour, but never say so? Are you modest and over-giving? If you’ve answered yes to all or some of the above, chances are you are one.
Echoism is the other end of the narcissistic spectrum, but it can be just as toxic. Hyderabad-based psychiatrist Dr Purnima Nagaraja, who runs Dhriti Wellness Clinic at Banjara Hills, says those with low self-esteem are most prone to echoism. “Echoists bend backwards, avoid confrontation (as it displeases people and they feel they cannot afford that emotion) and despise being under the spotlight. This syndrome frequently manifests in individuals who were raised by narcissistic parents, as they were compelled to stifle their emotions and conform to their parent’s desires during their formative years,” she says.
Echoism can be called a survival strategy as those who display such behaviour are constantly in fear of losing who they love. Interestingly, Dr Nagaraja has come across narcissists being married to echoists, a manifestation of the ‘opposites attract’ scenario. “Echoists are easy to fall in love with as they are altruistic and empathic people. Unfortunately, they fall for narcissists and the relationship gets toxic in a few years,” she says.
In an unhealthy dynamic, a narcissist discovers an ideal target to exploit, leaving them as a mere doormat to be stepped on. Meanwhile, the echoist sadly accepts their belief that they are unworthy of anything better. “Consequently, the echoist’s self-esteem spirals downward due to suppressed emotions, resulting in a constant state of stress and uncharacteristic aggression,” she adds.
Echoism is a relatively new term in psychology, especially in the Indian context, but there is a growing awareness around it, says Dr Navodita Kumar, Consultant Clinical Psychologist at Apollo Hospitals in Hyderabad and Chennai. “One of my patients, Anjali (name changed) was discouraged from expressing her feelings in front of her parents as they felt it amounted to ‘answering back’. As a child, she was often blamed, compared and criticised. Anjali came to see me because she was struggling to find her voice. She felt like she was constantly walking on eggshells and was afraid to speak up for herself. She also felt like she did not have a sense of self-identity.”
In the course of her therapy, Dr Kumar assisted Anjali in understanding her echoist tendencies and cultivating healthy communication skills. “I empowered her with the knowledge of setting boundaries with her parents and expressing her emotions assertively while maintaining respect. Additionally, she embarked on a journey of self-exploration, discovering her own passions and values, ultimately fostering a stronger sense of self-identity. Anjali’s story serves as a testament to the impact of echoism on individuals’ lives,” the psychologist says.
All is not wrong with the echoists though. While they are more sensitive than the average person, they often turn out to be change-makers or community workers as they put other people’s needs ahead of their own. Dr Varun Kulkarni, a psychotherapist who works at Grey Matter, a psychological counselling firm with centres in Bengaluru and Mangaluru, says during the lockdown, he started a free helpline and got to speak to two echoists. “Both (a man and a woman), who happened to be living in abusive relationships, but turned out to be social workers who have done incredible work. Sometimes, it is all about channelising the spirit of helping (pleasing) people into community service,” he says.
Dr Kulkarni says on the flip side, echoists are uncomfortable when people are nice or return favours to them. They feel they don’t deserve this treatment or benevolence and can ghost the people who are trying to be nice to them. “Know of anyone who ghosted you after they did a favour on you and you want to call them to thank or reciprocate? They could be an echoist,” he adds.
Centering on oneself while priotising self-love and self-care are two important components to undo echoism, mental health experts advise. “Making a list of positive traits in you is a step towards controlling it,” Dr Kulkarni says. Journaling everyday feelings and frustrations is a good way to let loose bottled emotions that may manifest as echoism, other behavioural experts add. If you think you are focusing too much on asking others to ‘please like me’ like Thomas, seek help for echoism.
